Do you often find yourself having a hard time saying no to the people in your life, even if what they ask of you makes you uncomfortable? How do you feel after you say yes? Do you feel confident in your choice, or do you feel overwhelmed as soon as you say you’ll do something?
At some point or another, you’re going to have your boundaries tested. And you’re not alone in your discomfort about it! Everyone at some point in their lives encounters peer pressure or are presented with a choice that is uncertain in its results. It doesn’t matter whether it’s at work or school or when having a chat with your parents; at some point or another, you will need to stand your ground and say no, even if it is uncomfortable doing so. But there’s a great reason and power in saying no that we’re going to explore today.
While flexibility is a handy life skill to have, there is such a thing as being too flexible as well as being too rigid when saying no. In today’s case, we’re focusing on how having little to no boundaries in your life can be detrimental to your mental health needs, what you can do to say no more often, and what can happen when you say no more often.
Let’s explore some helpful tips on how to reclaim your time and energy by establishing healthy boundaries, and discover the power of saying no (outside of the book about it!).
Looking for specific strategies and tips in this blog post? Refer to our table of contents below for easy reading:
Table of Contents
- Why is It So Hard to Say No?
- Why Does Having Boundaries Help?
- What Happens When You Say “No” More Often?
- More time and energy gotten back
- More ability to prioritize what matters to YOU most
- More connection in your relationships
- More capability to delegate commitments
- More self-respect
- How to Establish Healthy Boundaries by Saying No More Often
- Examine the context
- Use “I” statements
- Say it with love
- Check in on expectations
- Consider postponing
- Prioritization is key
- Refrain from backtracking
- Strategies for Moments When Your Boundaries are Not Honoured
- Pick your battles
- Find allies
- Refrain from contact
- Reach out to a professional
- Conclusion
- References
Why is It So Hard to Say No?
As parents, spouses, teens, or adults trying to get by in a modern world, there’s a lot going on in life that you need to say yes or no to. Saying yes is fine; it makes way to opportunities you want to see fulfilled in your life. It’s when you say yes to every single thing possible that you may want to look at more closely.
So why is it so hard to say no to something? Why is it so difficult to say no to our friends when they say things like, “We’re going on this trip on x/y/z, you’re coming too, right?”
Basically, one of the number one reasons it’s so hard is fear. Fear of conflict. Fear of missing out, aka FOMO. Fear of disappointing your loved ones. Fear of not fitting in with your peers. Fear of rejection. Above all, fear of being seen as unkind or uncompassionate.
Some other associated reasons why it’s so tough to say no, whether it’s at work or school or at home:
- People-pleasing personalities or habits: people-pleasing means putting the needs of others before your own, even if it’s detrimental to your well-being. This habit is also a trait of the anxiety attachment style from childhood.
- Expectations: societally and culturally, being seen as accommodating regardless of how you feel is often praised. However, it also lays the groundwork for high expectations that are unrealistic to achieve, and completely unnecessary to have in the first place.
- Guilt and shame: maybe you’ve said no in the past before and the other person responded poorly, or you’ve denied your child something they wanted even if your budget for it doesn’t exist, like a toy at the grocery store. Fear of disappointing others is often the basis of guilt, while fear of rejection ties into shame.
- Low self-esteem and self-worth: these both create what’s called a feedback loop, i.e. they both lead to poor boundaries, which in turn leads to further lower sense of self-esteem and self-worth. The less you feel worthy of your needs, the worse your boundaries will be as a result.
- Poor assertion: if you’re not assertive enough, it can lead to people speaking for your sake and continuing to overstep boundaries, rather than you speaking for yourself and affirming them.
- Poor childhood experiences: perhaps you said no as a child and it backfired in a way that caused you harm. Or you said no and felt like you missed out as a result.
Why Does Having Boundaries Help?
The effects of stress and anxiety are tremendous and tenfold when you overcommit; one psychological report found that overcommitment, as well as effort-reward imbalance (ERI) in Canadian police officers was associated with increased psychological distress. A similar study was conducted in 2021 for university students, with similar results about the connection between psychological distress and overcommitment. These findings demonstrate that boundaries are a form of protection for not only the mind, but also for physical health.
Keep in mind that boundaries, while helpful, should have a good balance between rigid and flexible. We’re not building mental walls against everything including what we love; we’re building mental gates where you make the call on what you can handle in that moment of time versus what you cannot.
What Happens When You Say “No” More Often?
Even though your brain and emotions are likely telling you saying no will result in something unpleasant, there’s a lot more unpleasantness to uncertainty. Basically, the longer you put off finding out what happens when you say no, the worse your brain will feel and the unhappier you will become.
To help you realize the effects of the power of saying no, check out these benefits:
More time and energy gotten back
By refusing to overcommit to every single to-do you’re asked about, you make more room for time and energy spent on things you do care about and want or need to say yes to. For example, if you say no to going to a party on a week night and you have school the next morning, you’re saving both time and energy for priorities that will help you the next day, such as studying for a test you need to pass and getting a good night’s sleep. Another example is by saying no to a monthly get-together such as a book club; by saying no, you get more time back to catch up with the book you’re reading if life has gotten too busy (which happens!).
More ability to prioritize what matters to YOU most
Let’s be real for a minute: life is short, and the time we have with the people who matter to us most is precious. Sometimes we have to say no to things because they don’t matter to our values, or what we consider to be important on our roads to what we consider a fulfilling life. And saying yes to the things that are not important to you are what’s going to fill up your life way too fast.
Ask yourself this next time you’re asked to say yes: is this something that is important to me? If so, go ahead and say yes; if not, and it’s not your priority, you need to say no. You may find that by shifting your priorities on what you consider important, you will feel more focused and dedicated to said priorities.
More connection in your relationships
Rather than fostering the assumption that you have no limitations to what you can commit to, instead you’re communicating that you do have limits and sometimes, they’re already reached for the day. You’re also not saying no to hurt the other person; you’re saying no as a means to teach the other person how to treat you and how you want to be treated moving forward. By saying no, you’re in turn fostering a sense of mutual respect amongst yourself and the person you’re saying no to.
More capability to delegate commitments
Delegating your commitments, i.e. the things you’ve said ‘yes’ to, is a great strategy to ensure you’re not overloading yourself with overcommitments. It’s not only a beneficial life skill, but also it’s a beneficial employment skill. For example, your boss asks you to fulfill a task and you’ve already got so much on your plate. Saying no in this case is trickier, however you can try to delegate with questions. For example you could say: “I don’t know if I’ll meet that deadline today, could you ask someone else in the office?”
More self-respect
Boundaries are not only something you do for the sake of others; these are your values, your limits to what you can and cannot do. And if you’re not respecting your own values or limits, then other people won’t respect your values and limits either.
Saying no is not only beneficial to fostering mutual respect between yourself and others, but also it builds up respect towards yourself. Sometimes saying no is its own form of self-care. It improves your self-confidence in that you’re saying no so that you can say yes to things that make you happy, or give you a sense of purpose, or things that help you feel rejuvenated for the next day.
How to Establish Healthy Boundaries by Saying No More Often
Examine the context
Take a moment to reflect on the ‘why’ behind some invitations you’ve received. Have they just wanted a buddy to join them in the activity you don’t want to do? Or do they want to spend time with you, and connect with you? The key point in such situations is to ensure that you’re staying in touch with the person, while honouring your preferences and the other person’s as much as possible. Look at the context and try to make the situation a win-win one.
Use “I” statements
Remember, you’re not saying no for other people’s sakes, you’re saying no for yours. Using “I” statements can help enforce boundaries when you need to. For example, “I appreciate that you thought of me by inviting me to this movie, but I’m going to have to pass. Enjoy!”
Say it with love
Naturally, you’re not saying no to hurt others out of guilt, you’re saying no to ensure your health and well-being are prioritized in order to say yes to things later. Placing kindness in the way you say no goes a long way, such as “Thank you for the invite to your event, I won’t be able to go however. I hope you have a lot of fun!”
Another way you can say no is something like this: “Thanks for inviting me, I really appreciate it. I’ll have to look at my schedule first though because I think it takes place the same day as (and here you can insert your example, e.g. an appointment or a previous engagement you said yes to and is a priority such as a family member’s birthday). Can I get back to you with a different day if that doesn’t work out?”
Check in on expectations
One of the more common reasons that hold people back from establishing healthy boundaries is that they’ve either created or continuously reinforce expectations on themselves that are not only unrealistic, but also unnecessary.
Unrealistic expectations are typically seen in work environments, however it can happen in the home too. One example of this type of expectation is to be available at all times at work, even when your work shift is done for the day.
It’s a good idea to check in not with what you can’t control, but what you can, and expectations are something you can control! For the above work example, you can try to take longer to respond to inquiries and emails, turn your phone on to Airplane mode, or make it a point never to answer work calls on weekends or as soon as work is over for the day.
These are not only beneficial in that you’re flexing your ability to say no, but also you’re establishing a boundary and creating a healthier expectation; that you will get back to your messages, but not during times when you need to unwind from work.
Consider postponing
Sometimes life intervenes and you’re not able to say yes to something that happens every week, even though it means a lot to your loved ones. You could try to say something like this: “I would love to have dinner with you, but I haven’t been feeling well. Can we postpone family dinner to another day when I’m feeling better?”
Prioritization is key
Often, we need to say no because the newest to-do on our growing list of to-dos isn’t as big a priority as what’s at the top of said list. For example, going to the doctor when you’re not feeling well is a bigger priority than going to work or school, because it’s your physical health that’s at risk (and if you’re contagious i.e. cold or flu, all the more reason to say no to those).
If it’s a work-related boundary, try something like this: “I realize you need me to take care of this task, but that means I’ll have to stop with x/y/z in order to do that. Is that okay?”
Keep it simple
Not everything you say no to has to have a big, winding reason or overexplanation as to why you’re saying no. You can simply say something like, “I can’t say yes to this right now,” and that’s enough.
Trust in the saying no process
This will be incredibly uncomfortable to start, especially if this is the first time you’re saying no after years of saying yes. However, the more you say no, the lighter you may feel as a result, and the better you will feel for having established your boundary. The more you practice saying no, the easier it will become to do so.
Refrain from backtracking
Often with saying no, especially if it’s your first time establishing your boundary, there will be this sudden urge to backtrack or immediately change your mind. This is based on the fear we mentioned earlier (of rejection, or others’ perception of us, etc.). However, it’s important you do NOT backtrack or be wishy-washy about your saying no. You need to express this clearly and decisively, otherwise you present the other person with the opportunity for possible manipulation (see below) so that eventually you say yes when you really mean no. While changing your mind is also normal and, in some cases, necessary, only change your mind when it makes absolutely and completely sense to you.
Strategies for Moments When Your Boundaries are Not Honoured
Perhaps you’re reading this knowing you have that one family member/friend/loved one who oversteps your boundaries no matter what you do or say to establish them. Not only do they criticize your every decision, but also they continuously ignore your wishes to refrain from certain topics of conversation, or they constantly overstep your boundaries. These are what’s known as ‘toxic’ people, and in the majority of situations, they’re tougher to navigate.
While the strategies involved when dealing with toxic people are trickier to pull off, they’re vital for your mental health’s sake and for the sake of reducing unnecessary stress and anxiety in your life.
Pick your battles
This is where using “I” statements and also keeping responses simple can help. If the toxic person is deliberately asking you questions that are designed to trigger an emotional response or they’re trying to manipulate you into saying yes to things you want to say no to, try to politely say something like, “This is not a conversation I want to have,” and then change the conversation or, in extreme cases, leave the room.
Remember what you are in control of: your boundaries. What you’re not in control of is other people’s reactions or behaviour. By knowing this, you’ll spare yourself from using up valuable time and energy trying to ‘fix’ or change things that can’t be changed.
Connect with like-minded family members
Perhaps you have family who understand your boundaries and even respect them. You can touch base with these family members whenever there’s a family gathering and come up with solutions together. For example, use a physical cue, such as a nod or a shake of the head when the dinner conversation takes a turn to somewhere you don’t want to go near, so that you can both excuse yourselves from the table, or alternatively the other family member can shift the conversation and change the subject.
Refrain from contact
Sometimes the best thing you can do for your mental health’s sake is to refrain from any and all contact with toxic people. It’s best to start with baby steps; for example, if you’re both on a social media platform because of family, consider changing your notification settings and muting any and all conversations they’re involved in. It’s up to you from that point forward if you want to block them, or disengage from the social media platform entirely.
If there’s a family get-together and contact is unavoidable, consider planning your strategy for the occasion with one of the aforementioned tips (picking battles, etc.). Having a game plan before these kinds of events can help you retain time and energy you need to save for the connections you value.
Reach out to a professional
If you’re not able to use the above strategies, or you have a lot of trouble establishing healthy boundaries and finding the time and energy you need to get through your day, there’s no harm in speaking to a professional about boundaries. A counsellor and/or therapist can guide you as you navigate your feelings surrounding situations where your boundaries were being tested, as well as help you discover the tools you need to navigate such moments with greater ease.
Conclusion
The power of saying no is more than just a book title. It’s how you get the time, energy, and well-being back into your life, reducing the likelihood of burnout at work and at home, and overall living the life you want to live. So next time you’re feeling like you need to say “yes” when really you mean “no”, remember: the power of saying no is not in what you’re avoiding, it’s in the yes you’re making room for.
Written by: Timothy Lamont, C.C.C.
