Relationships are a fundamental aspect of our existence, where we find love, companionship, and support. That being said, even the most secure relationships have their fair share of challenges and periods of instability, along with the choice to either remain together or part ways amicably. During such times, relationship counselling can act as a crucial resource, presenting a route to healing, understanding, renewed connection, or assistance with transitions.
If you’re in a romantic relationship right now, try to think back on your most recent disagreement. Was it settled with a deeper understanding than the previous one?
Our partners often witness us at both our best and our worst. In each romantic relationship, we experience a wide range of emotions, including joy, sadness, frustration, happiness, and pain. People in growth-focused relationships typically strive to collaborate through challenging situations. They emphasize gratitude, the positive elements of their romantic relationship, and their individual lives.
By adopting this mindset, both partners endeavor to cultivate a healthy relationship while also striving to become better individuals. Those involved in these relationships feel motivated to improve themselves and broaden their horizons in all aspects of their lives.
If you have ever experienced the pain of being misunderstood, find it difficult to articulate your thoughts, or attempted to untangle the elements that sustain your relationship, I invite you to keep reading this article, which aims to assist you as a couple. We discuss the nature of relationship counselling and its benefits, as well as the intricacies of conflict within a relationship: its significance, its benefits, how it influences real-life relationships, and most of all, how you can navigate these moments.
Looking for specific strategies and tips in this blog post? Refer to our table of contents below for easy reading:
Table of Contents
- Is Disagreement Healthy in a Relationship?
- When a Couple’s Arguments are Not Normal
- The Concealed Effects of Relationship Conflicts: Strategies to Effectively Alter the Cycle
- Take a Moment Before Responding
- Listen to Understand, Not to Conquer
- Uncover the True Issue Underlying the Dispute
- Use “I” Statements to Minimize Defensiveness
- Establish a Plan for Future Situations
- What Does Relationship Growth Involve?
- Methods for Ongoing Development in a Healthy Relationship
- Hold Each Other Accountable for Personal Development
- Start Planning for the Future
- Monitor and Celebrate Your Progress
- Cultivate Shared Interests
- Let Go of the Desire to be Correct
- Give Each Other Space
- Concentrate on the Positive Aspects
- Embrace New Possibilities
- Seek Help if Necessary
- What to Expect During a Relationship Counselling Session
- What Does Relationship Counselling Include?
- The Benefits of Relationship Counselling
- Conclusion
- References
Is Disagreement Healthy in a Relationship?
Some level of conflict is typical and can even be advantageous in a relationship. Disputes can initiate significant discussions and facilitate mutual growth among partners. However, when arguments become frequent, when personal insults take the place of genuine curiosity, or when every disagreement feels like a contest to be won, it’s essential to examine the situation more closely.
So, is disagreement truly beneficial in a relationship? The answer is it’s conditional. Infrequent, respectful disagreements can yield positive outcomes. Conversely, persistent arguments, particularly those that reveal the same unresolved patterns, can have a poor effect on your relationship over time. They may undermine emotional security, heighten feelings of resentment, and hinder forming deeper connections. Further, these discussions can escalate in hostility, leading to increased friction due to their frequency and the absence of resolution and mutual understanding.
When a Couple’s Arguments are Not Normal
While it’s natural for couples to argue at any given time in their relationship, there are situations where these disputes become unhealthy and harmful. A significant factor to note is when conflicts escalate into domestic violence. Such behaviour is not only intolerable but also it can have serious repercussions for the mental well-being of both partners. If one partner exhibits physical harm or severe emotional abuse, it’s a clear indication that the relationship has entered a perilous phase.
Another sign that arguments aren’t normal is when one partner consistently attempts to completely withdraw from conflicts, resulting in the other partner feeling isolated and unheard. In healthy relationships, both partners aim to communicate effectively and seek common ground. However, if interactions are characterized by name-calling, disrespect, and a lack of empathy, it’s unlikely that the conflicts are serving a constructive purpose.
Most therapists highlight the necessity of addressing these concerns through relationship counselling. Pursuing professional assistance can provide strategies for resolving conflicts in a constructive manner and ensuring that both partners feel acknowledged.
If one partner feels perpetually misunderstood or believes that their thoughts and feelings are being disregarded, it’s essential to emphasize respectful actions and mutual understanding. In situations where disagreements are frequent and unresolved, it’s high time to seek guidance from professionals in order to navigate these difficulties and restore a solid foundation for a healthier relationship.
The Concealed Effects of Relationship Conflicts: Strategies to Effectively Alter the Cycle
When you find yourself in frequent disputes with your partner, it’s not solely the arguments that cause damage. Underlying tension can seep into various aspects of your life, resulting in one or both partners pulling away, decision making feeling strained, or walking on eggshells i.e. both of you treading carefully around each other. Over time, persistent conflict can lead to a dynamic where you feel more like cohabitants than romantic partners.
Altering the pattern of ongoing disputes doesn’t involve completely avoiding disagreements. Rather, it involves changing the way you engage with them. In couples counselling, we frequently assist clients in putting these fundamental strategies into action:
Take a Moment Before Responding
What it involves: Taking a brief pause when emotions are heightened to allow the conversation to occur from a more composed standpoint.
How to go about it: Prearrange a “pause” signal with your partner. When you sense your emotions escalating, take a step back for 10–20 minutes, concentrating on deep breathing or another soothing activity, and then return to the dialogue when you are prepared to listen and express yourself.
Listen to Understand, Not to Conquer
What it involves: Altering the objective of a disagreement from “winning” to genuinely understanding each other’s viewpoints.
How to go about it: Rather than formulating your reply while your partner is articulating their thoughts, concentrate on genuinely absorbing their words and feelings. Paraphrase what you have heard (“It appears that you are feeling…”), which demonstrates that you appreciate their emotions, even if you do not entirely concur.
Uncover the True Issue Underlying the Dispute
What it involves: Acknowledging that the apparent argument often stems from a more profound concern.
How to go about it: Reflect on the following questions: What is truly bothering me? What need is going unfulfilled? This can transform a disagreement over household tasks into a dialogue about equity or a conflict regarding personal time into a conversation about feeling appreciated.
Use “I” Statements to Minimize Defensiveness
What it involves: Communicating your feelings without attributing blame to your partner.
How to go about it: Begin your sentences with “I feel…” rather than “You always…” or “You never…”. For instance, saying “I feel unappreciated when I manage the chores by myself” is less likely to provoke defensiveness compared to stating “You never assist with household tasks.”
Establish a Plan for Future Situations
What it involves: Collaboratively determining how to address similar disputes moving forward.
How to go about it: Conclude the discussion by agreeing on one minor, specific adjustment that both of you can adopt. This might involve scheduling a weekly meeting to discuss concerns, redistributing responsibilities, or agreeing to avoid discussing contentious issues when either party is fatigued or stressed.
What Does Relationship Growth Involve?
It’s pretty easy to spot a relationship that’s focused on growth. These two people are eager to talk about their future with each other and are proactively making plans that involve both parties. They adjust to one another’s limits and acknowledge each other’s strengths. They regularly show encouragement, respect, and support for each other’s dreams, future goals, and challenges to navigate.
There are several indicators of growth within a romantic relationship. A key sign is the ease with which you and your partner can be vulnerable with one another. This includes talking about your emotions, recognizing your shortcomings, and offering apologies when necessary. Equally important is the act of listening to and accepting your partner’s vulnerability.
Methods for Ongoing Development in a Healthy Relationship
Although there are numerous methods for ongoing development in your relationship, there are several straightforward steps that anyone can implement to start progressing in the right direction.
Personal development requires significant effort. It does not occur without obstacles, new life experiences, broadening your comfort zones, and occasionally facing setbacks. Partners in relationships that are focused on growth ultimately discover how to encourage and support one another throughout their personal development.
One approach to achieving this sense of growth is to extinguish the desire to compete with one another. Evaluating your life plan against your partner’s is a way of showing them that you’re not really embracing your differences. Acknowledge that you are a team and identify the balance your partner requires to thrive alongside you.
The following are methods through which you can consistently enhance your relationship:
Hold Each Other Accountable for Personal Development
Are you aware of your partner’s genuine purpose? Are they aware of yours? Having a purpose adds greater significance to an individual, thereby assisting them in leading a more fulfilling and meaningful existence.
Engaging in discussions about your personal and professional aspirations with your partner is an excellent method to foster accountability and purpose in both your life and romantic relationship. Keeping each other accountable can create an environment to address challenges, motivate one another to remain optimistic, and provide guidance. Further, you can discover new things about each other and gain a deeper understanding of each other’s lives.
Express Gratitude for Each Other’s Roles in the Relationship
There are numerous ways to express gratitude in romantic partnerships. Sustaining a connection can be difficult and demonstrating appreciation is one of the most crucial methods to uphold that connection.
Reflect on how you prefer to receive acknowledgment or appreciation from your partner. This preference is known as your love language, which often differs from that of your partner. Do you favor words of affirmation? Gifts? Acts of Service? Quality time? Physical touch? What does your partner appreciate?
Striking a balance within yourself, as well as balancing the attachment styles present in your relationship, will always facilitate your growth and help maintain the health and strength of your relationship.
Begin Planning for the Future
Discuss your aspirations with your partner and motivate them to share their desires for life with you. Plan and establish goals to reach a stage where both of you feel satisfied with the progress in your relationship. Whether it involves marriage, children, travel, or embracing new experiences, devising a plan will increase the likelihood of achieving those goals.
Seek Assistance if Necessary
Counselling can yield remarkable benefits for both individuals and couples. If you find it challenging to connect or communicate with your partner, or if you are embarking on a new relationship, it may be beneficial to consult a therapist.
This professional can help you and your partner manage challenging conversations by improving your communication and conflict-resolution skills, thereby promoting the development of your relationship.
Monitor and Celebrate Your Progress
One of the simplest ways to acknowledge growth is by celebrating your anniversary. In addition to dining at your favorite restaurant, consider sharing some cherished photos or memorable moments from the past year.
There are numerous milestones worth celebrating as a couple, such as purchasing a new home or eliminating shared debt. It is also important to recognize individual achievements within your relationship. If your partner receives a promotion or successfully completes a challenging task at work, take the time to celebrate their success!
Be open about your own accomplishments and express your eagerness to celebrate together. Utilize these moments to discuss both your individual aspirations and shared goals and explore how you and your partner can collaborate to realize them.
Let Go of the Desire to be Correct
While engaging in healthy debates can be beneficial in a relationship, the urge to win or be right may hinder couples from evolving together. Ultimately, it is not crucial who is correct as long as both individuals are content with the resolution of the disagreement. Letting go of the need to be right all the time and embracing compromise can facilitate mutual growth and enhance conflict resolution skills for the future.
Cultivate Shared Interests
Having personal interests is vital. Indeed, your partner appreciates you for who you are. Nevertheless, cultivating shared interests can fortify the bond and connection between two people. There may be an activity that your partner is enthusiastic about and wishes for you to participate in, or the opposite may be true. If you feel hesitant, consider giving it a chance. Perhaps you both have been contemplating an activity together but have yet to take the plunge.
Shared interests provide more opportunities for engagement with your partner. Some can also enhance communication skills that are beneficial for difficult discussions in the future. In addition to shared interests, developing a mutual understanding of significant behaviors is also an excellent strategy.
Dedicating time and effort to comprehend each other’s love languages is a significant step toward connecting on a personal level and ensuring that actions, behaviours, and efforts are directed meaningfully.
Allow Each Other Space
Time alone is crucial for nurturing a sense of individual identity. If you feel annoyed, irritated, or wish to explore your interests, communicate this with your spouse. Inform them that seeking solitude is beneficial for the health of your romantic relationship and inquire if there is anything you can do to assist them in finding some alone time for themselves. Never feel guilty for desiring space or taking time to recharge within your relationship.
Concentrate on the Positive Aspects
It is common to be overly critical of ourselves and our partners. We might scrutinize or dwell on what is not functioning well, or we may become anxious about potential future issues.
Focusing on the strengths you and your partner exhibit in the present can foster a solid foundation for development. Make an effort to recognize what your partner excels at and what both of you accomplish effectively as a couple.
Additionally, remember to acknowledge your own strengths! By doing so, you will establish a basis for personal growth and support, which will be beneficial when you need to provide constructive feedback to your spouse.
Embrace New Possibilities
We often find ourselves becoming resistant to change and entrenched in our routines. Life can begin to feel dull and repetitive, which can have a direct impact on our romantic relationships. As time passes, we may become less receptive to new ideas and settle into a comfortable but limited existence.
Those who are open to new possibilities are more likely to experience personal and romantic growth. This can be easily implemented with your partner. You might start with small steps, such as trying a new restaurant or enrolling in a class together that you typically wouldn’t consider.
By taking small risks, you may discover new ways to explore the world together. Eventually, you may find yourselves ready to embrace larger opportunities, such as traveling to unfamiliar destinations or even relocating to a different city! Remain open-minded and adventurous!
What to Expect During a Relationship Counselling Session
Let’s say you and your partner have decided to move forward with relationship counselling. The optimal environment for transformation is within the counseling room itself. During sessions, you and/or your partner are equipped with tools and skills customized to your personalities and challenges.
For example, we develop the abilities to establish, enhance, or restore trust. Your relationship counsellor assists you in applying these skills and guides you through a framework to practice them both in the session and at home, ensuring that the advantages extend into your everyday life.
It’s a pivotal moment for couples when they realize they can communicate without resorting to personal attacks, name-calling, defensiveness, or withdrawal.
What Does Relationship Counselling Include?
Relationship Guidance: As a Canadian Certified Counsellor (C.C.C.), my responsibility is to guide clients through real-time interactions using evidence-based skills. I act as a guiding point as you learn to connect and communicate with your partner in constructive, relationship-enhancing manners. I don’t merely listen passively, nor do I provide simplistic advice. Instead, I equip you with the necessary skills to foster genuine understanding and connection. This process includes establishing a framework to navigate conflict and disconnection, employing effective communication and connection techniques.
Emotional Support: The primary reason for relationship breakdowns is the feeling that your partner is emotionally unavailable. We are fundamentally emotional beings, as dictated by our brain’s structure. All emotions hold significance; the challenge lies in expressing them healthily within your relationship. I assist you and your partner in communicating with a profound sense of emotional safety, understanding, and empathy.
Positive Experiences: Relationship counselling transcends merely highlighting each other’s shortcomings or engaging in stagnant discussions about what is amiss. It focuses on fostering effective positive connections, learning to manage conflict, developing a shared vision, mutual support, and discovering genuine joy.
A New Perspective: Relationships are more than the two individuals involved. The main focus of relationship counselling is not on each individual in the relationship. Rather, it’s on the relationship itself as a “Third Entity”, which is a theory that a relationship itself works like a living being, i.e. something created by the interactions of both people in said relationship, yet also consists of its own unique identity, memory, and set of requirements. What this means is that the relationship itself is the primary focus all topics of conversation revolve around, e.g. “How does this action I’m doing relate to this ‘entity’, and does it help or hinder the entity’s goals?” Acknowledging this independent and ‘third’ presence during relationship counselling encourages a change in viewpoint, one where the individuals are asked to focus on the overall development and resilience of the relationship itself, rather than concentrating on each individual’s actions in said relationship.
The Benefits of Relationship Counselling
Relationship counselling provides numerous benefits specifically designed to meet the distinct needs and aspirations of each partnership:
Enhanced Communication: Effective communication serves as the foundation of a healthy relationship. Relationship counselling offers a structured environment for partners to share their thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open and honest manner. Through active listening and empathetic understanding, couples are taught to communicate more efficiently and resolve conflicts in a constructive way.
Deepened Intimacy: Intimacy includes emotional, physical, and spiritual connections between partners. Relationship counselling assists couples in strengthening their emotional ties, restoring trust, and rekindling passion and affection. By promoting vulnerability and empathy, couples develop a richer understanding and appreciation for one another’s experiences and viewpoints.
Conflict Management: Every relationship faces conflicts and disagreements occasionally. Relationship counselling provides partners with the necessary tools and strategies to handle conflicts in a productive manner and achieve mutually agreeable solutions. By recognizing underlying patterns and triggers, couples can escape harmful cycles of conflict and establish a more robust foundation of trust and respect.
Navigating Life Transitions: Life changes such as marriage, parenthood, career shifts, or moving, can put pressure on even the most resilient relationships. Relationship counselling offers support and guidance as partners work through these transitions together. By promoting collaboration and adaptability, couples can adjust to changes more efficiently and emerge as a stronger unit.
Rebuilding Trust: Trust is crucial for a healthy relationship, yet it can be delicate and easily damaged by betrayal or violations of boundaries. Relationship counselling provides a systematic approach to rebuilding trust, healing emotional wounds, and reinstating a sense of safety and security within the relationship. Through openness, responsibility, and forgiveness, couples can strive to rebuild trust and enhance their connection.
What Relationship Counselling is Not
Relationship counselling is not about determining who is right or wrong. It focuses on collaborating as a team to establish a healthier path forward. Many couples are astonished to discover that once they break the cycle of ongoing conflict, they experience a renewed sense of closeness and connection that they have not felt in years.
Conclusion
Embarking on the path of couples counselling represents a brave initiative towards fostering and maintaining your relationship. Whether you are looking for assistance to tackle specific issues or wishing to enhance intimacy and connection, we are here to support you throughout the entire process.
If you have attempted to alter your communication style but still find yourselves ensnared in the same disputes, relationship counselling can serve as a pivotal moment. In counselling, a qualified therapist can assist you in:
- Recognizing the patterns that exacerbate your disagreements
- Acquiring new methods to articulate your needs and feelings
- Practicing conflict resolution strategies that ensure discussions remain constructive Reestablishing emotional safety so that both partners feel acknowledged and understood
If this sounds great and you’re ready to get started, there’s no better time than now to grow from argument to understanding. Reach out to Unyielding Health & Wellness today for an initial consultation and take the first step towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Together, we will develop a roadmap for healing, growth, and transformation.
Written by:
Timothy Lamont, C.C.C.
