This is a little stream of consciousness from the mind of Kelowna therapist Tim Lamont. These thoughts and reflections are loosely organised, in hopes that someone in Kelowna who is experiencing loss or grief can come to this and take away what they want. Everyone will experience loss at some point, and just to know one isn’t alone can be supportive. Come back to this article as much as you please if you are experiencing loss in Kelowna.
Can You Lose What You Never Had?
Yes you can. How are you supposed to lose something you never had? Where is that sense of loss coming from?
This grief and pain from the death of a future you had already started emotionally investing in. Even without “having” it, your nervous system registered it as real, the mind is a powerful thing indeed, you could see your life down that path, vanish suddenly, unexpectedly.
It’s the loss of the idea, the loss of a piece of yourself and the loss of memories that will yet to be made. These feelings can surround you and come up in different ways everyday reminding you of that loss. This doesn’t make it less valid or emotional for you because it wasn’t real and it is something that will stick with you forever to a degree.
When You Hold the Reins
Some of these things will be you deciding on them, however complex and uneven the decision might be, there is some control and influence. Perhaps in these situations one can look back, and have the reassurance that one made the best decision they could at the time with the information and circumstances they were in. They could learn and admit that choosing one path over another was a mistake (if they believe it to be), and make moves to find their way onto the prior path, or something closely resembling it in time. Despite all that, even conscious decisions can carry grief for the road not taken. Reflection allows you to course-correct and reclaim elements of that lost path.
When Life Thrusts It Upon You
There are however paths that will be thrust upon you, some good, some bad, some very bad. Some losses blindside us without warning, and some, even if you saw it coming you could do nothing. Life can suddenly close doors you didn’t even know you wanted open. These involuntary losses often hit the hardest because they feel unfair, the shock can leave you questioning reality itself, a direct confrontation with powerlessness. A void opening and taking from you what it will, and closing only a moment later, leaving you with the aftermath.
The Ghost of What Could Have Been
The potential of what could have been, the person you could have been/were excited to be, the people or person you were going to meet, the things you’d see with the same eyes, all gone now (for now?). The mourning of an identity you were beginning to step into, and could see yourself getting used to. The version of your future self feels like a ghost that won’t leave.
This potential carried hope, excitement, and meaning. “Why?” in this case has a way of driving a person in circles, there must be a reason for it, right?
Real or Just Your Brain’s Perfect Movie?
And how much of all of it is real? Or simply the brain creating a false, optimistic, perfect future that’s gone? What about the things you were spared from in that future too?
Our minds often idealize futures that would have had their own problems. Not all of what we lost was guaranteed to be perfect, without a doubt there was a romanticization of what was never fully real. One can understand this plainly, it’s simple enough, but regardless, it still certainly felt real. That future can still be perfect, although it may never exist in reality.
Dodging the Bullet (It Just Takes Time)
In this sense, some might come to realise that they dodged a bullet, however, that will take time, something that can’t be rushed or fast forwarded. These moments we wish to fast forward, let us skip to the next scene instead shall we? But no, it’s better to feel it fully and soak it into ourselves, open your arms to that darkness and give it some of your light, let it become you as you become it, in part. Perhaps there ought to be a negotiation, if this is here now, we don’t get to dominate the other, lets agree on that shall we? Let me keep some hope. Perspective often only comes with emotional distance, trust that clarity will come, not today, but one day.
Is It Bad… Or Just Different than one would prefer?
Does it necessarily have to be bad that it’s done & gone, or just different? Why can’t I be that person still? What is this redirection? You may still carry core parts of that person you wanted to become, or put them down for a while and pick them up later on. “Different” doesn’t automatically mean worse. The question “Why can’t I be that person anymore?” What was it about that, that was so empowering; You won’t be forgotten, thank you for what you showed me in the short while I had you.
The “What If” That Never Leaves
Although you can try again, it will never be the same. Your life will be forever changed by this, there will always be a “what if?” hanging around, stronger at first, then getting more quiet with time (hopefully). It’s a simple truth that some paths only exist once, the second attempt will always be altered, stained. It’s not over, but it’s different now seeing and feeling that, knowing it’s out there.
You’ll always be wondering “What if” when you try again, in hopes that the same outcome doesn’t occur a second, third or fourth time. How do you navigate this new understanding, this new way of thinking while maintaining some level of optimism that it will work out this time.
Losing Your Innocence
The loss of innocence, and naivety, and confronting the imperfect side of life, there was a perfection in that future. Things won’t always go to plan, it was foolish to think so to begin with and one knew it all along, but when you have a long winning streak it’s harder to remember. You’re forced to meet the chaotic and unfair nature of existence. That hopeful, trusting version of yourself, was wrong, but a nice place to be, and to come back to often, just not all the time.
It can be made even harder when the experience you’re going through hasn’t happened to people you know, isolating a negative event even further. It may not be something that is talked about enough or described in detail so you cling to this idea that “it couldn’t happen to me” which makes it inevitably harder when it does.
When Your Mind Wanders to Dead Ends
Where will one’s mind wander now while not occupied with present matters? Quiet moments where you’d get to sit and reflect about the future with excitement turned dark, a dead end now, nothing looking back but a loose end. It’s going to take some getting used to certainly. Those quiet moments now feel heavier and more empty. The mind keeps returning to a future that no longer exists, it was so pleasant to be there. It takes conscious effort to build new mental pathways over time, new dreams and possibilities can fill that space, but I doubt anything can completely fill it over time, a scar that will fade in time, but remain nonetheless.
Some Paths You Can Return To… Some You Can’t
In some of these cases, one can make their way back into that life, but in some, people can’t. Some lost futures are permanently closed. Others remain accessible if you’re willing to fight for them. Acceptance of what’s gone creates space for new possibilities.
How Do You Bring the Missing Piece Back?
If there’s no way for you to get that back, how can you bring what you’re missing into your life in some small or significant way? What changes can you stop from happening, or perhaps, what’s important to remember into the future for you? Look for symbolic or practical ways to honour what was lost. Identify the core feeling or quality you were seeking and recreate it elsewhere. Decide which parts of your old vision you still want to protect; Turn the loss into lessons that guide your future choices.
Moving on, doesn’t mean forgetting. Focus on what you can still control: your response, your values, and the life you build next. You have the freedom to create new meaning. Be kind to yourself, and those close to you as you go along. If anything can be gleaned from this, it’s an opportunity to be different, things had gotten a little stale to a degree, it’s a character building event in time.
Written by Kelowna Therapist Tim Lamont C.C.C.
